(Breast)Feeding Carnival

Leave it to Lotus (a.k.a. Sarcastic Mom) to host a blog carnival all about boobies!

Okay, not exactly....

It's really an opportunity for mommies to talk about how they fed their babies- breast or bottle. Or, as my story goes... my love/hate relationship with my pump.

Like other moms posting their baby feeding story today, I never gave breastfeeding a second thought. In fact, like any pregnant-for-the-first-time mom, I didn't give much of anything dealing with the actual WORK of having a child a second thought...

Of course, I would nurse my son. What a no brainer, right?

Oooooo-bviously, I would give birth after pushing only twice. Yes, twice. The doctor would hand my son to me, who would latch on perfectly the first time, then gauzey, soft music would start playing... just like in all of the videos they showed us in birthing class. HA!

I was so heavily drugged and exhausted after, as I call it, "giving birth twice", that I couldn't even hold my son afterwards. He was feed formula in the nursery while I wallowed alone in in my first dose of mommy guilt in the recovery room.

The next few days in the hospital were difficult, as lactation consultant after lactation consultant was called in to... well, I guess consult with us. We eventually figured out the "mechanics" of it on our own, and I started looking forward to nursing my son. I enjoyed the time and privacy it afford us to "just be", but I was never able to produce enough milk to feed my son... in spite of trying several techniques and even one very delightful herbal tea.

Supplementing was an easy choice for us, but one that made me feel incredibly inadequate as a mom. I don't know if it was all the pressure (and controversy) put on breastfeeding or that fact that it came so naturally to the other mothers I knew, but I just seemed like a giant test of motherhood that I was failing...

Determined to stick with it for as long as possible, I purchased a top of the line pump before going back to work. Fortunately, I worked for a very "progressive" company that offered "health rooms" complete with a comfortable chair, refrigerator, a door with a lock, and dimmer switches. Again, I thought it would be easy... once I got the hang of it.

I actually loved it in there. It was peaceful and quiet and I could focus on being a mommy as my pump whirled away. In fact, I once lost track of time in there and missed the beginning of an important meeting...

It was so humiliating to have to send an apology to my boss, explaining where I was and WHY... Fortunately, she was understanding, providing it never happened again. That's when I started blocking time on my calendar for pumping. Time, I should mention, that my co-workers usually overlooked and scheduled on top of anyway.

Then, there was the time when security was called in to "break down the door" because some lady wanted to get her SCRAPBOOKING SUPPLIES that she had left in the room. When I answered the door, shirt askew and my pump in plain view, the (male) guard apologized and never bothered me again... ever!

In the end, I only lasted two or three months pumping. The stress of taking conference calls while my "magic milk machine" roared in the background made my milk dwindle to nearly nothing.

I eventually had to gave up breastfeeding entirely, but I will always think back to those tender moments when it was just me and my son with the sweetest of memories.