Despiration is Most Unattractive

First, I want you to know that I blame myself entirely for this whole situation...

I should have known better. What can I say? I've never done this before! How was I to know that a single girl desperately seeking a soul mate and life partner to the exclusion of all other things would turn out to be a psycho???

Oh wait! Never mind. This is WHY I've never done this before...

Last week, I found myself chatting with a girl at a party. In a wine-induced haze, I asked where she was from (Colorado) and mindless mentioned that I just met some people who ALSO recently moved here from Colorado... Ah, and what a coincidence! One of them just happens to be a guy that's single.

I (barely) know her through a women's group at our church. While she tends to hang out with the other single girls in the group, I find myself in better company with the married ladies and mommies. I know. How very "Sex in the City" cliche! Yawn.

In fact, the only thing I DO know about her is that she moved here seeking an M.A., but more importantly, an MRS. She seems like a nice girl. Very pretty. Talks CONSTANTLY about wanting to get married and asks anyone that will listen if they have any single friends, brothers, cousins, nephews, or sons for her to date...

At the mention of "Colorado Boy", "Ding! Ding! Ding!" went some alarm in her brain and she IMMEDIATELY asked if I could set them up.

"Sure," I acquiesced, "Why not? I can see about that..."

The truth is I don't know this guy very well either. We just met a few weeks ago at a baseball game and didn't have a chance to talk much. He's a friend of a friend. Naturally, I need my pal's help to make the introduction, but it would have to wait a week until she and her family return from their vacation.

Well, within 24 hours after the party, I get an e-mail from "Miss Party of One". It reads:

Hey girl!

So, tell me more about this guy from Colorado...what is his name? What do you know about him? Where in Colorado is he from? Does he have a MySpace?!

I need details girl...and quick!!! A girl can't wait around for a good guy or he'll be gone in a snap! He he :)

I hope you are well!!

I told her what very little I knew about this guy: what he looks like, his name, where he works, plus some other minor detail I picked up conversationally from my gal pal. I also told "Party of One" that the middlemen (middlewomen) involved, that is my pal and I, were both going to be out of town, but would set up some sort of introduction when she gets back...

"Patience, patience, patience. It will happen. Promise," I counseled.

Well, so much for my advice. While I was gone, "Party of One" devised an opportunity to meet "Colorado Boy" at his job, found him on MySpace, and sent him an e-mail. Assertive, no?

Then, I get an e-mail from her. It reads:

So, in me not being patient...I sent "Colorado Boy" a little message on MySpace... He read it, but hasn't written back...is that bad?!?!? Here's what I said...

Hi there...did you just move here from Colorado by chance? Do you work at the ____? My friend from church might be friends with your Colorado-to-Texas friends!

I promise...I'm not MyStalking you...she told me about you (if you are the right person, that is!) I too am from Colorado :) Moved here almost four years ago.

Well, welcome to hot, humid, sweaty Texas!!

Obviously the names and location have been edited to protect the innocent, but you get the gist...

Keep in mind, he has NO IDEA that we're planning to set them up and hardly knows me, so therefore has NO IDEA what she is talking about!!!

Uh, not the approach I would have taken, PSSSSS-ycho! But ummmm, no judgement.

All I asked was that she wait a week. A WEEK! Is that really that long? He's not seeing anyone. Hell, he just moved here. He doesn't KNOW anyone! Seriously, do you think a week would have made a difference?

Meanwhile, I'm very grateful that I don't have to date anymore...