When you decide to make it an issue...
We've been trying for a second child for several months now... unsuccessfully.
It's been upsetting, but I've handled it with dignity and grace. I've tried not worry about it so much. Put it in God's hands. Focus on the all the blessings in my life. blah. blah. blah. BLAH!
But after the fifty billionth person asked, "sooooo, when are you having another one?" and I got all choked up and heart-wrenched on the inside, I decided to just start tellin' it like it is...
"Oh, I don't know (ASS). We've been trying for months(ASS), but I can't seem to get pregnant (ASS)."
At this moment, the other person usually gets flustered and embarrassed for asking in the first place. They uncomfortably search for the "right things to say", avoiding eye contact and probably afraid that I'll burst into tears at any moment.
As if there's a "right thing" to say. The only thing you can say to someone that wants a baby, but can't have one is, "You're pregnant". The best anyone has ever come up with is,"Oh."
Yup, just "Oh"... followed by stunned, awkward silence.
"Good!" I gleefully think to myself, "Serves you right for asking (ASS)"
Next week, I plan to start telling people that my husband has ED... and we're looking into penis pumps and getting some "Viva Viagra". Not true, of course, but I can't wait for the bug-eyed stares and hurried subject changes.
We've been trying for a second child for several months now... unsuccessfully.
It's been upsetting, but I've handled it with dignity and grace. I've tried not worry about it so much. Put it in God's hands. Focus on the all the blessings in my life. blah. blah. blah. BLAH!
But after the fifty billionth person asked, "sooooo, when are you having another one?" and I got all choked up and heart-wrenched on the inside, I decided to just start tellin' it like it is...
"Oh, I don't know (ASS). We've been trying for months(ASS), but I can't seem to get pregnant (ASS)."
At this moment, the other person usually gets flustered and embarrassed for asking in the first place. They uncomfortably search for the "right things to say", avoiding eye contact and probably afraid that I'll burst into tears at any moment.
As if there's a "right thing" to say. The only thing you can say to someone that wants a baby, but can't have one is, "You're pregnant". The best anyone has ever come up with is,"Oh."
Yup, just "Oh"... followed by stunned, awkward silence.
"Good!" I gleefully think to myself, "Serves you right for asking (ASS)"
Next week, I plan to start telling people that my husband has ED... and we're looking into penis pumps and getting some "Viva Viagra". Not true, of course, but I can't wait for the bug-eyed stares and hurried subject changes.
21 comments:
I'm so sorry -- that is hard (oops, no pun intended). If there is one thing I have learned from the blogosphere -- it is DO NOT ASK those kinds of questions.
so sorry...totally understand that issue, but LOVE your responses. I would pay to hear the stunned silence you will get if you bring up ED.
I hate those questions no matter what.
We haven't been not trying and still I hate it when people ask cause I say "don't know" or "we'll see" or "God knows" and they think I have infertility issues and that makes me think I DO even though I might not and then I freak out into a vicious circle of freaking out.
whew...
It is ALWAYS a sore subject and I don't know why people think that they should bring it up...enjoy the implied ASS remarks.
I answer people's "when are you going to have another"....
"when do you think I should? Am I ovulating now, should I try? Is my savings account full enough yet? Tell me what you think"
okay I never say that, but I want to.
sorry for the long comment
tough issue, hon. It is so easy to say (and hear) "relax and it will happen". But how easy is it to relax, when I am stressing about having to relax?!
So many people don't realize just how rude they are when they think they're simply being politely curious.
It's one of those questions that people ask but don't really care to hear an honest answer to.
It is supremely frustrating. I try to take those moments as an opportunity to educate - but it's so much more satisfying to make them feel like the total ass that they are.
Wouldn't it be nice if people's questions appeared above their heads like a cartoon word bubble 30 seconds before they came out of their mouths...then you could run away before they actually ask :)
Bradley
The Egel Nest
Hugs! At a certain point we would say, "actually we've been trying for 5 years. Thanks for asking." Then run away and cry :( :(
yeah, that's just not okay to ask that. i say let them have the honest answer, and if they're ashamed, maybe they'll learn not to ask that anymore.
We only just started trying for another baby but I'm going to stick with my standard response to "When is the next one coming?" I always say that I have my hands full for now.
I really don't see why people feel so driven to ask that question....
Good luck. Chlomid worked for me (after being told I could never get pregnant on my own b/c I didn't ovulate) with both #1 and #2 and then...I became pregnant 3 months postpartum with #3.
You just never know.
I'm sorry you have to put up with this... be as snarky as you want. It's none of their business!
It will happen just give it time. I lost a child between my oldest and my youngest. I usually get pregnant quickly but after the miscarriage it took me nearly 9 months, relax it will happen.
I still need to do your meme but all I have on my desk are legal books Blah!
Man, I know where you are coming from. Took me a year and a half and fertility treatments to get pregnant with Miss Peach. It was all I could do not to cry when people said "when are you having a baby?". Why would anyone blindly ask that question? Like I'm gonna say "actually, we have been trying for a year and a half, and fertility treatments are expensive and stressful, but thanks for asking!"
Oh man do I get this. It took us 6 years and many medical miracles to get pregnant. When people ask me this question, an exclamation point flashes above my head.
NO JOKE. ;)
I have a friend who has been trying for a while too. There isn't a right thing to say. I like the ED though that would at least give you a chuckle. LOL
unfortunately I think they say after a year of trying...
I am sorry you aren't getting any...er that isn't what I mean...sorry you aren't knocked up yet. It will happen!!
This is obviously a very serious and heartfelt post that should require a very serious and heart felt comment. However I can't stop laughing from that video clip. With DVR I just don't see commercials anymore and I have never been more thankful for that invention than at this moment.
Ok, now that that is out of my system...I am so sorry you are dealing with insensitive questions. It took us a while with baby #2 also and just as we were about to try Clomid, it happened. I was getting the most pressure from my parents and one day I not so nicely blew up at them. People really don't mean to be insensitive. some people just truly don't think about the implications of what they are asking.
Unfortunately those comments always seem to come from those who get pregnant - oh, so very easily.
It took us awhile for number one, and it's been awhile (the entire 19 months since ds was born) and counting for number two.
I usually get away with some comment about how this one keeps me busy enough, and then have to turn and run after him.
Bring a camcorder to tape your ED response. When trying for #1, I told people we were still trying. :-)
Seriously, why are people so nosy?!?
That sucks. But at least you're actively trying. I'm the mother of an almost two-year-old who's actively NOT trying and still getting those evil stares and glares. UGH- I feel for you.
After almost two years of trying, I actually DID cry when someone asked me this question. I was PMSing.
We've since adopted, and it seems people have stopped asking. That could be because it's become a little obvious we're probably infertile, or maybe my "crying" got around.
Good luck.
Thanks for posting this. We've been trying for nine months now with no luck and I just got the question/comment from my sister last weekend. She did not mean any harm. I think some people think it's easy to get pregnant. After being tired of people asking, I responded in a snippy way saying that I'm doing the best I can and had it not been for the miscarriages, etc.. I said more than I should have, I guess. It's a tough situation. Stay strong and you're not alone!!
Abbie
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