you talk funny... it must be the slurring

So according to this quiz I took today, I really "don't have an accent" and must be from a big southern city. Right and right, again.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The South
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The Northeast
The West
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I'm proud to report that in spite of being born in Brooklyn, New York to immigrant parents, only to be relocated to the great state of Texas where I attended grade school in the ghetto, I've emerged relatively unscathed and unaffected.

Well, except for that teeny tiny "phase" I went through when I was seven where I spoke with a perfectly manufactured Southern accent for a week. My mom was quick to have an intervention with me and by "intervention" I mean shook me until I stopped doing it. I'm not really sure why something like a child playing pretend could upset her so much, but it's not entirely surprising.

This is the same person that did NOTHING when my then sixteen year old sister was caught drinking, but then went ballistic when her school called to report she had six tardies to class. Seriously, mom was so furious about the tardies that she almost drove off an overpass on the highway.

She kept going on and on about how if little sis kept up this type of behavior she would never make it in life and what would she do once she gets to college. Who will be reporting on her there... who? who? No one. She'll be on her own and will suffer the dire consequences of her...

...and yes, we are still talking about tardies in high school...

IRRESPONSIBILITY!

Again, the underage drinking... ummm, didn't seem to be a problem for mom. Probably because, as we all know, excessive drinking at a young age never leads to ANY problems later in life. Right.

I'll never forget when mom called to tell me that she thought this same sister may be suicidal. Around this time, sis had been seeing a therapist. Being the last one in the house with mom and dad, I offered to pay for her therapy out of my own pocket. I was understandably alarmed at this news and pressed my mom for more details.

After several rounds of Twenty Questions, I surmised the following: "My sister simply wasn't eating enough fruits and vegetables." Yes, not eating enough fruits and vegetables equates suicidal to mom.

Her "logic", the part of it I could follow, goes something like this:

• If sis isn't eating healthy, her body and mind won't get any nutrition and then won't function properly.
• If her mind isn't functioning, she won't be able about concentrate when she drives to school.
• If she's not concentrating on driving, she'll get into a wreck and die.
  

Ergo, not getting your Five a Day will kill you. Good advice if you just ignore the way we got here.

In any case, I don't think mom would have approved of all those times in college that I would have a three-martini-dinner, then drive myself home. At least, I always showed up to work and school on time. I may have reeked of cheap gin and/or still wearing my clothes from the night before, but I was always very punctual.