This Mommy War

As you probably guessed from my post on my recent mommy meltdown, I'm still at odds (with myself) about quitting my job.

I was raised with the notion that when it comes to be my time to be a mom, I would naturally become a "working mom." Never gave it a second thought. After all, I was raised by one, and all of my friends' moms worked. That's all I knew growing up in the post-feminist 80s and girl-power 90s.

After college, while other girls married their college sweethearts and started families at 21, I went on to receive a Masters Degree. I climbed surely and steadily in my career. I loved my job and I was good at it. Then, I got pregnant...

... and I didn't know what to think.

Naturally, my husband and I were thrilled about our son, but knowing what to do about my career was a toughy. Mommy Wars, nothing. I was more concerned with the war in my head...

"Do I stay or do I go? "

"What will I be missing out on?"

"Will my son forgive me for not being there for him? "

"Did I ever forgive my mother?"

and on, and on, and on...

I struggled with my decision for over a year. Since I really didn't know what I wanted to do (even after I saw those sweet baby brown eyes looking up at me), I did tours of duty in both camps and in between. I went from maternity leave to "working mom" to "working-from-home mom" to "full-time stay-at-home mom" over the course of nine months.

Eventually, my husband and I realized that it was vital to our marriage to have one of us taking care of the household. We both had crazy-busy careers that would have ensured a life of take-out, expensive day care, and hectic weekends of "trying to get it all in"...

Since my husband made about triple what I did, economically it was an easy choice to decide who would be doing the sacrificing...

That's not to say that I don't have moments of peace and satisfaction. After all, my son and I wake up every day and get to do exactly what we feel like doing. It's nice work if you can get it, but there are days when I just want to cry-- especially as it gets harder to deal with the tantrums and the never-ending demands. I feel like someone else could be doing a better job here, and what the hell am I doing?

I know, I know... grass is always greener..., time and distance makes you forget the bad times and reminisce too fondly about the good times... blah, blah, blah.

When being a mom and keeping the house in order is my life's work and I have nothing more to show for it than a screaming, crying, tortured soul rolling around on the dirty, dirty, dirty floor, there are not enough Mother's Day bouquets or macaroni art in the world to make me feel that I made the right choice.

I'll admit that I get a twinge of green whenever I hear about my friends' raises and promotions. I envy my best friend's stories about her newest accounts won and all the praise and recognition she gets at work. I even get annoyed with my husband when he talks too much about work...

...ESPECIALLY when he goes from complaining about being "under-utilized" and getting too much "down time" one week to complaining about being over-worked and unable to "surf the 'net" as much the very next.

When he kept saying that he'd rather be at home working on his own projects, I told him I am MORE than willing to trade places, but being the stay-at-home parent goes beyond "just taking care of the kid".... if that's even possible.

As I enumerated all of the other tasks that come with running our household (i.e. remembering to running out in the middle of the day to buy birthday gifts for my ungrateful in-laws, managing our social calendar, doing the grocery shopping, etc.), he balked and decided it was easier to stop complaining.

I know that going back to work would mean missing the great moments with my son. Like when we decide to go for a late afternoon swim and the indoor pool at my gym is all ours. Or, seeing how happy he is when he learns something new or gets to climb on the stuff at Gymboree. I'd miss the way his face lights up when he sees his friend. I'd miss the three hour play dates where I don't even wear a watch 'cuz we have no where in particular to be... no conference calls, no meetings, no deadlines...

I don't think I'll ever be 100% happy with any choice I make, but at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that my husband is completely intimidated by what this "stay at home mommy business" entails.

Maybe I'll even get some more "thank you's".