Fortune Cookies Never Tell You What You Really Want to Know

My fortune cookies told me it was time to reconnect with old friends...

...and it seemed I wasn't the only one, since this past week not one, but TWO really fabulous old friends who I've lost touch with decided to give me a ring-a-ding-ding.

I found out that one of them is moving to Boston to fulfill her dreams of going to grad school to do something she loves.

The other wanted to let me know how her wedding plans are coming along and that a mutual friend of ours (who I thought was a confirmed bachelor) is getting married. All really great news!!!

Both of them wanted to know when we could get together this week, but I haven't gotten back to them yet, as I still need to find room in my schedule. Like any other wife and mother, I've got plenty of play dates, baby showers, kids' parties, and nights out planned weeks in advance...

It's a wonder that I still put up with crap like this from one of my (soon to be ex-) pals.

I ran into her at Old Navy yesterday. I was rushing to return a dress before taking my son home for lunch and she was just killing time. We exchanged "hellos" and chatted briefly, but she seemed more interested in shopping and I had a toddler to chase, so we parted ways...

It's was all pretty uneventful, but I knew in the pit of my stomach there was going to be some message from her waiting for me when I got home. I was only half wrong. She didn't send it until the next morning. It was as follows:

Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help out with the baby shower? I can do a dessert or some sandwiches besides the fruit.

Honestly you never seem happy anymore. Someone else mentioned this to me as well. We are worried about you. Are you depressed?

I am ok now, and I want to help, so just let me know what I can do...

Have you guessed that this isn't the first time I've received a note like this from her?

In fact, most encounters with her tend to go this way. There's always something I did or didn't do that sets her off. Sometimes it's that I didn't say "hi" to her soon enough at a kid's party. I didn't smile enough or laugh at her ill-mannered, unfunny joke. I (gasp) paid more attention to my child than her at Old Navy. Then... I get a pouty e-mail.

Are you depressed?
Are you well enough to care for yourself and your child?
Are you miserable just like me?

She phrases these message as if she's concerned about me. She offers to "help", but is never available or is all "oh my god, I just can't handle it right now". Like any half-decent flake, she's the type of person that crumbles at the slightest provocation or "just because", but for some reason thinks she should be running my life...

Last I checked, I don't really need advice or life skills from someone that can't keep her own life together...

There's no concise way to summarize (rationalize) our relationship. I know. I've tried. We met before we had children. We were carefree and could drop by for dinner at each other's houses on a whim. We traded recipes, complained about in-laws, and gossiped about people we knew.

Since then, she and her husband have gone through a series of rough patches. Although there wasn't much I could do except offer prayers and comfort food, I tried to be there for them as best as I could. I tried to be sympathetic, say all the "right things", and be a good friend.

I forgave and forgot snide remarks and insults that I knew she "couldn't possibly mean". I overlooked the clinginess, constant need for reassurance, and cloying behavior. I tried not to turn my back on her in a time of need. As difficult as it was to put up with her, I tried to suppress the need to vent about it to other people.

Eventually, I began to notice that the bad things that happened to her became excuses for doing and saying whatever the hell she wanted. "Oh well, I was depressed. You should have known that and let it slide". The word "depressed" is something she throws around so often that it's lost its flare... To her, being depressed happens when the grocery store runs out of your favorite olives or you have to cancel your lunch plans. She's this kind of "depressed" pretty darn often. Talking about how much the most mundane things suck is her way to garner sympathy and she clearly had no intention of get on with her life.

Her negativity and constant bitching has finally taken its toll on me and, quite frankly, I have better things to do with my time (like, ummm take care of my son) than listen to how ANNOYING it was that her husband took her to a bed and breakfast for a romantic getaway or that someone invited her to a birthday party... YEAH!

I don't enjoyed being around her and minimize our contact whenever possible. Since we run in the same social circle, it's impossible to avoid her entirely. When I do see her, I try to be cordial, but it isn't enough...

Nothing is ever enough, because the truth is she was never a happy person to begin with. Over time, it became evident that it didn't matter what was going on in her life, she is who she is... Misery craving company.

Likewise, I am who I am- a happy person. I enjoy my life and have plenty of people to share in that joy with me. I don't really feel like putting on "an act" just to convince her of that. I learned a long time ago that a true friend loves and appreciates you for who you are. If I can't be myself around her, then I don't think we need to be friends anymore.

Frankly, I've been ready for this friendship to be over for a while, but couldn't find the words until now. Break-ups are never easy, but they are always necessary.

I've written all this and more to her and saved it as a draft in my e-mails. I've been dying to press "Send" and make the clean break I so crave. I hate pretending to make small talk with her and most of all I hate the pithy notes that come afterwards. What a relief it will be to let her know once and for all, "it's not ME, it's YOU. Please stop talking to me already"!

But, my husband has warned me otherwise. He thinks it will only start a stink bomb that will lead to more grief and awkwardness in the future. While I like dealing with problems head on, "just ignore her" is his best solution...

What do you think? Should I send my "Dear John" letter and break it off... or be annoyed until one of us moves out of state?

photo by nerveousfragments