Over the weekend, I received some terrible news.
Our "Moms Day Out" sitter's husband had suffered a severe heart attack while on a sales call several hours away from home. Although this was his second heart attack and he had recently undergone heart surgery for the first, he was expected to make it... if barely. There was still hope.
There were a few more e-mail updates since then, but the last one from today simply read:
The last time I talked to Mrs. H, she said her husband was recovering well, but anxious to get back to work. His doctors, his wife, and even his company had advised him to take more time to rest and recuperate, but he couldn't be convinced. He was "bored" working from home and ready to get back on the road...
Apparently, this was his first (and sadly last) sales call.
Somehow, there's a bigger life lesson to be had here, but this news hit me in a very personal way. It just happened to come on the eve of the completion of my husband's big project at work...
Yes, the same big project that started so many weeks ago and kept him away on Valentine's, but allows us to host the first annual toddler golf invitational/art exhibit. The one that has regularly kept him at the office as late as 5 am only to summon him back at 9, has consumed every single weekend, and has made him a stranger to his own son.
The project is supposedly over now, but it's left me wondering about my responsibility as a wife in this situation. In the past six weeks, I've witnessed my husband's complexion ashen and his resilience weaken as he's given up eating, sleeping, and his family for this project.
He's nodded off in the middle of meals (the few times he's been home for one) and rushed off soon after because the office called with another "emergency" that had to be fixed "right now"....
May I remind you that he works in computer graphics for commercials and film, and NOT saving lives.... NOTHING in his world can possibly be that urgent, but whatever.
As much as he blames the company for putting these demands on him, he's totally complicit. What it comes down to is that he's simply not willing to push back, or for some reason, feels that he can't...
He loves his job for all the reasons everyone should and I support him in all of his ambitions. However, when neither he nor his company is willing to make reasonable demands of his time (and ours), I think it's MY job to set limits around his basic needs of food, sleep, and love, and our needs as a family.
What can I say? I don't play the quiet, long-suffering wife (a.k.a. doormat) very well. When it comes to my husband, father of my child, man I love, barely living on 2 hours of sleep every night and being pushed further, I'm going to balk and demand that he set boundaries with his office...
I won't lie. There's been a lot of fighting about this and at one point he said he felt like he was "being pulled in two different directions", which was certainly not my intention. In fact, that's the furtherest from it.
"It's just a job," he kept saying all along. "It will never be as important as my family. This is just temporary."
I really do believe that he'd rather be home with us, but this is certainly not temporary. He was like this when I met him, and he will be like this for the rest of his life. I knew when I married him that his workaholic tenancies were part of the deal. I just don't know how to be both a "supportive" and "loving" wife to someone who can't be suppressed.
When I told my husband about Mr. H and the circumstances around his forthcoming passing, he didn't take it well either. Hopefully, it will hit home.
Our "Moms Day Out" sitter's husband had suffered a severe heart attack while on a sales call several hours away from home. Although this was his second heart attack and he had recently undergone heart surgery for the first, he was expected to make it... if barely. There was still hope.
There were a few more e-mail updates since then, but the last one from today simply read:
More doctors were called in to meet with Mrs. H and her daughter, and told her that nothing else can be done for Mr. H.He is only 52 and had at lot more life ahead of him.
Please pray for Mrs. H and her family for the proper guidance at this difficult time...
The last time I talked to Mrs. H, she said her husband was recovering well, but anxious to get back to work. His doctors, his wife, and even his company had advised him to take more time to rest and recuperate, but he couldn't be convinced. He was "bored" working from home and ready to get back on the road...
Apparently, this was his first (and sadly last) sales call.
Somehow, there's a bigger life lesson to be had here, but this news hit me in a very personal way. It just happened to come on the eve of the completion of my husband's big project at work...
Yes, the same big project that started so many weeks ago and kept him away on Valentine's, but allows us to host the first annual toddler golf invitational/art exhibit. The one that has regularly kept him at the office as late as 5 am only to summon him back at 9, has consumed every single weekend, and has made him a stranger to his own son.
The project is supposedly over now, but it's left me wondering about my responsibility as a wife in this situation. In the past six weeks, I've witnessed my husband's complexion ashen and his resilience weaken as he's given up eating, sleeping, and his family for this project.
He's nodded off in the middle of meals (the few times he's been home for one) and rushed off soon after because the office called with another "emergency" that had to be fixed "right now"....
May I remind you that he works in computer graphics for commercials and film, and NOT saving lives.... NOTHING in his world can possibly be that urgent, but whatever.
As much as he blames the company for putting these demands on him, he's totally complicit. What it comes down to is that he's simply not willing to push back, or for some reason, feels that he can't...
He loves his job for all the reasons everyone should and I support him in all of his ambitions. However, when neither he nor his company is willing to make reasonable demands of his time (and ours), I think it's MY job to set limits around his basic needs of food, sleep, and love, and our needs as a family.
What can I say? I don't play the quiet, long-suffering wife (a.k.a. doormat) very well. When it comes to my husband, father of my child, man I love, barely living on 2 hours of sleep every night and being pushed further, I'm going to balk and demand that he set boundaries with his office...
I won't lie. There's been a lot of fighting about this and at one point he said he felt like he was "being pulled in two different directions", which was certainly not my intention. In fact, that's the furtherest from it.
"It's just a job," he kept saying all along. "It will never be as important as my family. This is just temporary."
I really do believe that he'd rather be home with us, but this is certainly not temporary. He was like this when I met him, and he will be like this for the rest of his life. I knew when I married him that his workaholic tenancies were part of the deal. I just don't know how to be both a "supportive" and "loving" wife to someone who can't be suppressed.
When I told my husband about Mr. H and the circumstances around his forthcoming passing, he didn't take it well either. Hopefully, it will hit home.
6 comments:
That definitely gives us all something to think about.
Great post.
How very terrible for Mrs. H, her children, and her family. I am not old fashioned by any means, but I hate living in this age of more, more, more, and do it now. My husband lost a dear friend a bit over a year ago - early 50s, married, and 3 young children - a heart attack that even he knew was coming from a mile away. I had high hopes that that incident would make my husband realize that it is only a job and that family is of more importance, but he seemed to have forgotten it quite quickly. I hope that your husband learns a lesson and that it sticks with him.
What sad news. Yes I try to tell my husband this stuff all the time and it never sinks in with him. I don't know if he doesn't get it or doesn't know how to change things but we're constantly dealing with a live/work balance thing.
Hopefully this will have an impact on your husband and allow him to make some changes.
I can so relate to this... late nights, dinner then back to work until wee hours of the morning... the sad thing is that no matter what they say, it's not temporary. It may slack off for a time, until another crisis comes up. I don't think these husbands can back off, this is their life and I think they (or at least mine), thrive on the idea of being so indispensable. I need to pass on this story to my husband.
It is so hard to get some men to take care of themselves! I hope that your husband can take it a bit easier soon.
Oh that's a tough one. Especially in the business your Husband is in. My Brother works in video editing. The hours they expect him to keep are insane, and that's just the way it is. If he doesn't do it, there is someone else behind him that will. It's a tough place to be. Good luck to you...
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