Putting the Kibosh on Christmas

I am the Grinch-in-law that decided no gifts this year... in September.

Okay, not entirely... I suggested that we just do gifts for the kids this year.

JUST the kids, as in the 6 and under crowd, and only because I think it's fun to get them stuff (I'm not a completely heartless and uncaring killer of Christmas.)

In my e-mail to my sisters-in-law, I cited the outrageous cost of shipping internationally... blah, blah, blah... possible custom charges... blah, blah, blah... ridiculous, ridiculous... So let's just NOT this year (ever again), mmm-kay?

A completely reasonable offer considering we're the ones that moved out of the country and stopped spending Christmas with them since... oh, about 2005.

However, the truth is I REALLY don't want to shop for them anymore. I'm not very good at it and at the risk of sounding totally callous and ungrateful, neither are they.

I don't need another Banana Republic sweater/snowflake dessert platter/seasonal bath salts., and my husband never wants anything that costs less than a mortgage payment.

Instead, he usually get a sweater too, which he will never wear and keep IN the box until the following Christmas when I'm looking to reuse the cardboard...

Likewise, I doubt my brother in-law wants another shirt and tie or his wife, another random silver bracelet and matching earrings, but we're just not close enough to know that about one another.

In fact, we're not close at all, which makes gift buying that much more of a chore and an obligation, instead of finding something that you know they will just cherish and enjoy.

I love Christmas, but giving my in-laws lame gifts just to "check them off my list" totally sucks the joy out of it.

Elephants, Peanuts, and Buried Saints

Our house was a total wreck for the showings over the holiday weekend. It was our last weekend to pack and with so much of it left to do, we just kept at it, as agent after agent strolled through with buyers.

My in-laws were in town helping us as well, and my mother-in-law instituted a maddening, but effective system of emptying every drawer and cupboard onto the counters, then packing everything all at once. Previously, we were trying to be neat and just pack one little area at at time, which was NOT working...

So with everything we own not only OUT, but also covering every surface, each couple had to step over our boxes and piles of packing peanuts to "admire" the house. I say (air quotes) admire, because the feedback that was given to our agent and passed along to us was not good...

Until this weekend, we hardly got any feedback. Mostly that "the house was nice and showed well, but the buyers were still looking". This time, we got "the house is too small and dark", "hated the neighborhood", or "hated the built-ins and other decorative upgrades"...

I know I shouldn't obsess over the random comments of random strangers who lack imagination, but I've been bitter about it ever since. Obviously, circumstances were not ideal, but again, it's hard not to take this sort of stuff personally.

However, I'm not sure what is the "best circumstance" when it comes to selling a house, but you better believe that everyone has an opinion on the matter... and is dying to share it with me.

My mother-in-law insists that a properly staged home sells the quickest. On the other hand, I have friends who insist that an empty house allows buyers to better visualize their stuff in each room. More importantly, buyers avoid getting distracted by something you own and plan to take with you and has nothing to do with the house itself...

I tend to agree with that latter advice. When we were house hunting, we walked into a home where the owners were obsessed with elephants. Uhhhb-sessed! There were tables, chairs, and planters shaped like elephants. They had elephant throw pillows, elephant artwork, soap carved into teeny tiny elephants, and even two large plush elephants posed as if they were kissing...

Hubby and I (and even our real estate agent) got so caught up in making fun of them, that we totally didn't take the house seriously... AT ALL.

There was also the time when we walked into a house where the owners had just cooked bacon. I'm sure the house could have been aired out and been fine, but it just smelled (and thereby looked) entirely too greasy and gross to us that we never even looked at the house. The smell was so overpowering that we simply turned around and walked out immediately.

Our house does not smell like bacon.

One person who recently sold a house in one of the priciest and worst housing markets in the country told me that buyers really go for perfectly aligned vacuum tracks on carpet. I guess I know I'll be doing every other day until my son and I leave to London...

Of course, there is also the myth/urban legend about burying a saint in your front yard, which all of my Catholic friends swear by. Being a practicing Catholic myself, I did a little research on the matter (Google) and discovered that there's a whole spell-casting, candle-burning, dousing of magic oils aspect to it, as well...

I even found a "St. Joseph House Selling Kit" on Amazon for $19.95. Oh, baby! Yeah!

Chipmunk Cheeks!

It's been three days since the wisdom teeth were pulled and the swelling in my cheeks is still pretty bad.

The photo to the right accurately shows what I look like today. Yeah. NOT pretty...

I'm home now. I'm still living on chocolate pudding, soups, and pain meds (not by choice), but at least I get to recover in the comfort of my very own tree trunk.... er, bed...

Unfortunately, Hubby isn't doing very well either. He's been sniffily, sneezy, runny, and coughy-- the same way I was a few weeks ago...

It's basically the same allergic reaction that's ushered in by the slightest of seasonal change in Texas. It seems like we go through this every few weeks, except, unlike me, my husband refuses to take anything for it...

It's not as if my doctor mom doesn't keep our cabinets stocked with a fine selection of antihistamine and decongestant samples. They're always on hand, but he'd rather keep both of us up all night with his wheezing and coughing than just take one stinkin' Claritin...

When I lamented this to my mother-in-law while we were staying at her house this week, I chalked it up to his "maleness" and asking if his brothers are the same way. She tartly replied, "Oh, WE never take medication..."

Okay, so maybe it's not a "guy thing" after all. Just another "in-law thing"...

A Day Older and A Little Less Wiser

I got my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday morning by my father-in-law and I am happy to report that there were no angry outbursts, in-law bashing, or rants to share... that I know of. I know you're disappointed.

However, I did go on and on about wanting a milkshake, which is funny to me because the last time I was put on any sort of anesthetic I was in labor and going on and on about wanting a cheeseburger. My unconscious mind must not deviate much from my conscious mind.

I L-O-V-E food!

Since then, I've been pleasantly recuperating at my in-laws house. Except for the puffiness and discomfort, eating chocolate pudding, sleeping all I want, and watching cable (which has long been canceled at our house...) in my pajamas all day is the closest thing I've come to a real vacation in months. Never ever repeat or remind me that I said this, but.... I kind of like it here.

Is that sad or what?

And yes, we opted to leave the tot with my parents for this trip...

We originally planned to bring him along. I envisioned Hubby's parents entertaining and taking care of him while I got some post-op R & R and Hubby did some serious job hunting. No doubt our son would have spent his time indulging in all of the chocolate pudding and Noggin' he could ever want, but at least he could bond with his other grandparents for a change.

All it took was one hesitant phone call from my mother-in-law about "letting me handle what of her fancy knicknacks and delicate breakable should be put away while he's here" to put the kibosh on that idea...

It's not that they didn't want to see her grandson or raised three boys of their own. I just think that they've long forgotten how much two-year-olds like knocking down tall, shiny, toppley objects... and how much work it takes to stop them.

Their house is totally gorgeous, but not one bit kid friendly... not even the "playroom". It's actually a solitary room up a steep flight of stairs where they hide the grandkids' toys, as well as some family portraits and additional fancy knicknacks and delicate breakable that don't have a place on the first floor. No much a playroom, if you ask me.

They mean well, but the last time we visited, my father-in-law set up a train set "for the kids" in there. It had exposed live wires and fragile little hand-painted pieces. He kept saying, "Don't touch" and "Be careful" that I eventually just had to keep my son away from there entirely.

My sister-in-laws and I have tried to give then little nudges about baby-proofing, but with absolutely no success what so ever. We're not asking for much- just a baby gate or two, some doorknob covers, and few cabinet locks. It's just so exhausting to spend our entire visit tracking my son's every move and apologizing for it later, that we just don't visit much.

My parents were just as stubborn about baby-proofing too, but eventually came around when they realized it would give them more stress-free visits with the boy. They positively JUMPED at the opportunity to keep our son for these few days, even going as far as telling me to "take as much time as I need to recover" in spite of having to take time off work.

I know it's unrealistic to expect all grandparents to be created equal, but when my mother-in-law made a comment about how it was "such a good idea" to have my parents watch my son while we're here, it made me a little sad.

This Bites

So, I got an e-mail from my other sister-in-law announcing that she and my brother-in-law are expecting baby number three. The e-mail also stated, "yes, it was planned" and "no, she has not been feeling fine"...

While not nearly to the level of obnoxiousness as my hateful little conversation with a "Sister-in-law A", it just adds to the feeling that everyone else's life has it goin' on while ours sinks further in the dumps.

First, there's Hubby's recent job loss, then the matter of the lousy unemployment benefits, the sick toddler, and... oh yes, the horrible pain of my wisdom teeth disrupting my otherwise peachy existence...

On the bright side, my oral surgeon father-in-law has graciously offered to extract my wisdom teeth at the "family and friends" discount of no cost at all. The catch is we have to drive to Oklahoma to his office and stay with them for a bit while I recover, but that won't be too bad.

I do have some reservations about being left alone with my father-in-law while being put under with the gas (or "truth serum", as he calls it). According to him, people tend to let loose and go on and on about stuff you know they would never in their right minds say to another soul.

He says he's used it, but he's never had ME for a patient...

My father-in-law is all right, but I had to warn Hubby that I harbor quite a bit of... um, shall we say, unkind feelings towards some his other family members. (gee, I wonder why.) I just make a conscious effort NOT to act upon it. However, it's still right there... just beneath the surface.... just waiting for an oppertunity to come out.

Oh, and I use the f-word a lot in my head.

Grass Greener?

Yesterday, my sister-in-law called to "check up on us". She had heard the news about Hubby losing his job, but I'm not sure if she was calling to commiserate or rub in it...

I filled her in on the basics, but after the hundredth time of repeating them, I just didn't have the heart to go over the details. I also left out most of the big parts like...

... finding out the unemployment benefits that we were naively counting on to see us through because everyone we knew said would be so freakin' awesome (like "70% of Hubby's previous salary" awesome) will barely cover groceries for a week. That's NOT 70%... Boo! Hiss! Texas.

On top of that, they get still get taxed... federally. Um, Insult, meet Injury.

... finding out that the toothache that I thought was merely stress-related is actually my wisdom teeth coming in about 10 years too late and a week before we lose all of our health insurance.

No, we can't even afford COBRA (see above). At least, the dentist prescribed some beautiful painkillers until they can be removed.

Of course, once I took one of the beautiful painkillers and was lying in bed happily stress-free, my husband comes in to tell me that our son spiked a fever. Again, no health insurance in a week, but at least for this one, I can call my mom.

Basically, all of the parts that I don't really care to discuss with anyone right now, so I casually changed the subject and asked how they were doing... big mistake.

My brother-in-law (Hubby's youngest brother) has just accepted a wonderful new job. It's a great opportunity that pays double the salary and apparently offers endless growth. She'll get to stay home with the kids like she claims to have always wanted. However, it also means that they will have to move.

Yeah, moving sucks, but you would think that this would still be really, really exciting for her...

Nope. Not her.

After throwing a big hairy hiss about having to move... wait for it, wait for it... a messily hour away for this fabulous, lucrative job, she told me that she only conceded after he PROMISED that they never... ever...move... again.

She also gloated informed me that his salary was only "going to get better year after year" (i.e. they never have to worry about money again) and they fully expect to get three times what they paid for their house in selling it.

In light of our current circumstances, it's difficult NOT to be jealous hearing all this... even if that last part was just plain petty and hurtful.

I didn't feel the need to disclose to her our highly tentative plans of moving wherever Hubby's next career move lands us, whether it be across the country and across the globe....

Knowing how she reacted to moving across their home state of Oklahoma, I didn't really think she would be very supportive anyhow.

That, and quite frankly, I had had enough of talking to her.

My sister-in-law isn't entirely short-sighted, self-centered, and insensitive. She did offer me some words of comfort... I think.

"At least I only have the ONE kid... ", she told me, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean...

This Takes The Birthday Cake

Okay, I've resisted bitching about my in-laws on this blog for several weeks... Lemme tell 'ya, there's been a LOT to bitch about, but noooooooo, I was determined to be a gentle wife and...

LET....

IT....

GO!

But this just takes the cake and I simply could NOT resist any further, so here goes.

My mother-in-law is BLOWING OFF our son's second birthday to get some plastic surgery done.

PLASTIC SURGERY!

I'm so livid that I can't stop laughing...

What Passes for a "Crazy Night" at the Casa de D

"YOU'RE the fun one???" my sister-in-law once asked in utter disbelief. "Why yes I am," I tartly responded (the "yeah, bitch" was implied). Actually, no one believes I'm the "fun one".

Well, good cop, bad cop. Fun one, strict one... whatever you want to call it, I AM the instigator of the good times around here.

Come to think of it, neither one of us is truly the "strict" one. We both agree on discipline and dole it out when needed. (united front, united front, united front) My husband just wouldn't think of, much less allow, stuff like finger painting the tub...

He was however impressed that we cleaned up afterwards-- baby and tub.

My husband handles the bedtime routine at night, giving me time to blog a nice break in the evenings. Having to do it alone has become super stressful, so I've just made going to sleep optional. He likes to wait up for his Daddy anyway. We both do.

So, I just leave the light on and let him look at books in his crib until my husband comes home to enforce bedtime again...

My husband would also never allow our son and his friends to play golf inside the house. At least the kids were in their pj's already... or maybe they've been wearing them all day. Hmm...

my son and his BFF, either golfing or jousting

Like it matters. Did I mention that these kids just had ice cream for dinner? They didn't want to eat the healthy stuff. No one was here to back me up and I was too tired to make them eat it on my own. Yeah, I have no idea why people let me watch their kids either...

This is just the sort of stuff that happens when my husband starts having to spend all of his time at the office. We miss him, but a little chaos and madness seem to make the hours until he's home (to put an end to the chaos and madness) fly by just a bit faster...

The "Santa" Clause

Dishes are piling up in the sink, bits of wrapping paper still linger in the living room, laundry continues to pile up, and every inch of the house is littered in Christmas excess--clothes, books, a lovely blue iPod Nano (Thank you, Hubby), jewelry, strange electronic things my husband requested, and toys, toys, toys... but I couldn't care less about cleaning up because...

HUBBY TOOK THE WHOLE WEEK OFF OF WORK!

...and so did I, apparently. For the past week, the three of us have been sleeping (and eating) like people on vacation. That is to say, excessively.

We've been so relaxed that all of the catty, short-sighted things my mother-in-law calls to say have mostly gone ignored. Noted, but ignored. Something about not spending Christmas at their house or some such... I don't know (and I don't care!)

Last year was our son's first Christmas and we plead what I like to call the "Santa" Clause... as in "how would Santa ever find us at your house... Tsk! Tsk! It would be a SHAME to deprive our son of his very first Santa gifts on CHRISTMAS... " (snort!)

Well, this bit of malarkey actually worked, and my in-laws agreed to make the three hour drive to visit us for once, but NOT on the same day my family was coming over, for NO LONGER than 12 hours, and ONLY if they stayed the night at a hotel that was an hour and a half away to be that much closer to home the next day.

Can't you just tell that this did more damage than good? Sigh!

Well, this year we just let the invitation to our house remain "understood", but not actually spoken. I must say, the wonderfulness of this past week only further supports our decision to stay home for the holidays from now on- free of responsibilities, but more importantly free of drama.

Now, with More In-Law Bashing

In the middle of getting a facial this past weekend, the aesthtician started chit-chatting with me about the holidays... Not cool. I don't know about you, but I prefer to zone out, relax, and NOT make small talk during my rare spa visits..

She asked me about my Thanksgiving plans and when I rolled my eyes and said that we'll be heading to my in-laws, she stopped what she was doing to my face and asked point blank, "well, what's wrong with being with your in-laws?"

Are you KIDDING me? I came here to RELAX and you want me to talk about my IN-LAWS...ugh!

I made some pithy remark and ended the conversation right then and there... and continued to zone out.

Frankly, there is no simple answer to that question, or at least not one that I was willing to share at that particular moment. I'm sure I could have enumerated several examples of what is "wrong" with them, but that would have quickly become tedious and boring... and not to mention, counterproductive to booking a "pre-holiday" spa appointment in the first place.

The truth is there really isn't anything wrong with my in-laws. As I've mentioned here before, they're well-intentioned and good people who just happen to drive us nuts. They live their life differently than we do and are prone to being unreasonable and insensitive at times, but otherwise they're all right folks.

In fact, I would even go as far as to say that in another world, another time, another life, my mother-in-law and I probably could have been friends... provided we didn't have to share any of our holidays or vacations together... just maybe. Unfortunately, in this world, this time, and this life, we do and all the stress that that entails is the #1 source of our friction. The rest of the year, the pressure is off and we're back to our tenuous, but workable relationship.

I have to keep this in mind especially when she tells me I'm being "inflexible" when we attempt to plan our THREE HOUR car trip to see THEM at THEIR HOUSE around our son's afternoon nap. I'm still fuming about that, in case you haven't noticed...

The irony is that my mother-in-law has a very similar relationship with her mother-in-law, Grandma D, who is as sharp as a tack in her late 90s and isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I love Grandma D, by the way. She's totally racist (in the way that only old people can get away with) and has an opinion on everything. It's awesome!

Based on the comments my mother-in-law makes when she thinks no one is listening and the scant details I've gotten from Hubby, Grandma D never really thought my mother-in-law was good enough for her son, has always been critical, and doted more on her other child's family. Sounds familiar, if you ask me?

My mother-in-law swore that when she had her own daughters-in-law, things would be much better. She has three and no, they aren't. In fact, the similarities are striking... right down to the blatant favoritism and short-sightedness.

Raising a son of my own, I wonder if this is a vicious cycle and if one day, my son will bring a girl home who clearly is not good enough for him. Will it crush me to no longer be the "only woman" in his life? Will I compete for his time and guilt them into spending holidays with us? How can I keep my heart from breaking when he tell me that they are going to her parents and it'll be another holiday before I can see him again?

Today, I'm grateful that that day isn't today! That my son is still a toddler and all mine... even if occasionally I'm tempted to sell him to gypsies. The years will fly by, but I will cherish every single one that I will get to spend with him.

One day (in the far, far future) when he moves away and has a family of his own, I'll try to be grateful for all the holidays that I will get to spend with them rather than resentful of the ones that I don't. I'll try to remember what it was that drove me nuts about Hubby's family and try not to perpetuate the madness.

In the meantime, I'll just have to keep that mother-in-law smack talkin' to a minimum, 'cuz payback is a bitch...

Countdown to Crazy

I begrudgingly benevolently agreed to spend Thanksgiving in Oklahoma with my in-laws next week. We'll be there for THREE DAYS... three long, tongue-biting, silent-fuming, eye-rolling days.

There are three things in the world that my mother-in-law is truly obsessed, er... passionate about. There are as follows:

• Getting a family portrait
• Shopping
• Her holiday traditions- of which there are many and often impossible to accomplish in one year...
  

Over the past two weeks, she's called several times to specifically discuss each of these in turn. The first call was to ask if I thought she should schedule a family portrait at a studio... over Thanksgiving (?!).

The family portrait has been a thorn in her side (and mine) for as long as I've known her, but her children haven't exactly been cooperative... She hoped to get one on my wedding day, except that my sister- and brother-in-law were understandably unable to attend due to the birth of their son four days prior. Even though there was nothing anyone could do about it, my mother-in-law continued to harp on this point for MONTHS.

The next time she had all of her sons, daughters-in-law, and grandkids in the same place was a year and a half later... but, two of us were preggers and it went down as the "incomplete photo" before it was even snapped. It is displayed proudly in her new home and I know it irks her whenever someone points out that my son and my niece are "missing" from the photograph.

In spite of all this, I like to blame my brother-in-law for making this coveted family photo op impossible! He lives in California and has come home all of twice in the last five years, even though his wife and kids come twice a year, at least. I've only met him once and from what I can tell, he doesn't really like coming home and despises the family portrait more than I do. I don't know why, but as long as he stays away (and we keep having babies), I will never hear the end of it with the family portrait... Ahhh!

Last year, my mother-in-law suggested using a "fill-in" for my MIA BIL and asked if Hubby, with his mad "PhotoShop skills", could somehow paste his brother's head on top of the fill-in's body. The rest of the family was utterly disgusted by that suggestion. I'm please to say that we talked her down from that ledge amicably and she settled for a picture of "just the grandkids".

This year, I just offered to just take another nice photo of the grandchildren together for her holiday cards. Done and done.

Shopping... My mother-in-law wants all the "girls" (that would be my sisters-in-law who do NOT get along, me, and her) to go Christmas shopping together... over Thanksgiving (?!) I told her that's what the Internet is for...

I prefer to do my holiday shopping in my comfy pants... alone... at home, thankyouverymuch.

Holiday traditions... While I RESPECT and ADORE holiday traditions, I believe it is best to practice moderation, streamline, and prioritize, particularly when 2/3 of your family lives far, far away and will only be together for THREE days, which will hopefully include sleeping, eating, and the occasionally bathroom break.

My in-laws, however, have too many traditions to enumerate, but I assure you it's all madness and chaos and too much for me to handle... sober.

Today, I'm grateful for my in-laws. For all of their nuttiness, they really are good people. After all, they raise the man I love! We enjoy a tenuous relationship built on sarcasm, denial, and talking about my son, but it works so don't knock it.

Besides, they make good blog fodder.

Does Columbus Day count?

The temperature actually dropped below scorching last week, which means it's that time of year again...

When the leaves turn golden, the air gets crisper, and my in-laws start demanding to know who's spending which holiday where.

Christmas?

Thanksgiving?

The High Holy Days... oh wait, we're not Jewish.

Christmas?

Can you please just let me get through Halloween first?

photo by massdistraction

Are you ready for some in-laws?

My in-laws are visiting this weekend, which completely throws a monkey wrench into our plans...

Particularly, my plan for having a low-key (low-stress) weekend, but my mother-in-law positively insisted on seeing us before football season starts... Yes, football season.

Apparently, that means THIS weekend. While I have never planned anything around FOOTBALL SEASON, to each her own. At least, they're making the effort to visit us.

"Because if not, who knows when we'll get the chance to come down again..."

Who knows, indeed. Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss...


photo by showstoppa

I'm a bad daughter-in-law

When my husband announced that his parents were looking for a weekend to visit us, my knee JERK response was, "WHY? Were their other grandchildren busy?"

My husband was still on the phone with his dad at the time and I'm pretty sure he heard me LOUD and CLEAR, which I only half regret...

Yes, I'm still miffed that my son's grandparents show obvious preferential treatment towards their other grandchildren. So miffed, that I haven't gone back to visit all summer... nor have I bothered to call them. They're my husband's folks. He can call them.

I realize that I'm not their favorite daughter-in-law and with bad behavior and snide comments like that, I really don't blame them, but it's another thing entirely when you take my kid for granted.

I applauded them for their efforts, but seriously... you could count the times they've paid my son a visit on ONE HAND. For people who make an annual trip to Dallas for a football game in the fall and come down for spa days and conferences throughout the year... That's pretty bad.

Yes, it was planned

I've thoroughly enjoyed reading the entries from yesterday's Parent Bloggers Blog Blast. You know, the one about the annoying preggo or new mom questions...

MAN, do they take me back! I'm beginning to think that all moms get asked the exact same questions eventually... and mostly by people we barely know. (Rule: if we are not close friends, it is none of your business.) While being asked "were you trying", "when you're going to have another one", or "are you going to stop now" is totally awkward in most circumstances, I started thinking of the reverse. As in, volunteering that information.

Every year my in-laws and their friends take off for a week-long vacation at a lake. They've gone to the same place at the same time every July for over thirty years and it's grown into a HUGE deal, especially now that the kids have married and spawned grandkids.

I've never been, but NOT because I'm "prissy and hate the lake" as my mother-in-law would have everyone believe as THIS IS WHAT SHE TELLS THEM. I assure you, I may be prissy, but I do not hate lakes. I promise. I've never been because my husband would rather spend a week off anywhere other than vacationing with his parents and their best friends. Bless him.

In missing these little trips, I've also missed the grand announcements that BOTH of my sister-in-laws have made to EVERYBODY about how they are going to start trying for a baby in "such and such" month. (Read: They are not pregnant yet, but will be having lots and lots of hot monkey baby-makin' sex later this year.) This "news" is followed by ample congratulations and a phone call from my mother-in-law to relay the info to me.

Yes, a new family member may or may not be conceived within the year. Oh-la-la! I better head to my nearest Babies R' Us and stock up on baby gifts RIGHT NOW!

Sure enough, we receive another phone call from a brother-in-law a few months later to announce that their endeavors were indeed a success and exactly when they planned it. Then, I'm left to ponder why, oh why did I need to know that detail...

So AWKWARD!

Where Grass Grows and Maddness Breeds

The visit to the in-laws was NOT THAT BAD. Sure, we survived (barely) and there weren't any big blow ups, just plenty of little maddening incidents. Here are the highlights, because you know I could go on and on and on about them...

My in-laws have a GORGEOUS new house! The kitchen was straight out of the space age and everything was as stylish as it is well-appointed. On every single surface was some sort of architectural and decorative CRAP... er, accent-- whimsical, but highly-breakable/potentially-deadly objects such as three-foot glass cylinders, metal spires, giant glass bowls on precarious stands, pointy wooden sculptures, and the like...

Great for Architectural Digest, not so great for grandchildren under five, of which they have FIVE.

Determined to be the "fun grandparent", my mother-in-law (MIL) was quick to set the ground rules. Actaully, there was only one and it was for me. She kept saying she doesn't want her house to be a "House of No" (whatever THAT means). If there's something that may be dangerous to the kiddos, instead of saying "no, don't touch", we'll just put it away as needed...

Um, you might as well put it ALL away... RIGHT NOW.

Naturally, there were quite a few "new house kinks" that had to worked out like figuring out how to load the dishwasher (which apparently I did wrong) and the lack of proper ventilation in our room. I later discovered that it was because the AC vent was on the floor, under a nightstand and behind a curtain... Good planning!

My MIL kept asking to let her know if there is ANYthing our room was missing or that she should get before we visit again. When I would suggest something like... "well, that bathroom could use a trash can", she get in a huff and say, "you know, we just moved in. We can't have everything..." THEN, WHY DID YOU ASK, Crazy Lady ?!

As you many recall, the purpose of my visit was to see my sister-in-law (SIL) however briefly and help out with my niece and nephew she while she stayed with some friends. I got into town a few hours before they did, so that my son could spend some quality one-on-one time with his grandparents before chaos ensured, which was nice.

Once everyone else arrive, it was indeed pure chaos. I couldn't tell whether or not my MIL was miffed about us "encroaching "on her alone time with her other grandchildren. It didn't really matter since early into their visit they were already starting to get to her...

While they were pretty obedient with me, the kids wouldn't talk to their grandmother and they really wouldn't listen to her. Although if my MIL constantly addressed me in that saccharine shrill, I probably would ignore and/or run away from her too...

If they weren't plotting in whispers and secret or hiding, there were fighting. My SIL wasn't even out the door when my niece and nephew started yelling, "he's looking at me"..."she's fibbing"..."he's not sharing"... I actually mouthed "just go" to her as our MIL ran upstairs to ease the commotion.

The rest of the day I tried to help out where I could, but it was clear that my MIL wanted to do everything by herself. Fine with me. The kids and I just watched some workers lay new sod in the backyard, while my MIL worked herself into a tizzy. Yes, I literally watched grass grow in Oklahoma. Ye-haw!

In the meantime, MIL became OBSESSED with making tortilla strips for taco soup which she also insisted on making SPECIFICALLY for my other SIL, the very pick-eater. (The rest of us would be eating lasagna and garlic bread for dinner.) The process of making tortilla strips took her FOUR hours to accomplish because she kept losing track of what she was doing... oh, yes and all five of her grandchildren were running around her new house- banging into walls, emptying cupboards and drawers, etc...

Oh-kay, so I have two problems with this situation: ONE, my SIL is a grown-ass woman in her thirties and should be well past that picky-eater/needs-a-separate-meal phase. If you don't like it, don't eat it. TWO, tortilla strips are readily available in grocery stores and the result wasn't worth the time it took...

Isn't that time better spent with the grandchildren that you "never" see?

...and what was the reward for all that toil and trouble, you ask. Nada. My SIL didn't even TOUCH the soup, opting instead to eat the lasagna with everyone else. The soup ended up burning, forgotten on the stove, and the tortilla strips were overdone and tasted like salty plastic...

My contribution to the meal was making garlic bread, which my MIL was sure to inform everyone that I "didn't put enough salt on".

Yesterday, I woke up to find my MIL flat on her back with an ice pack on the living room floor. The kids were playing in their jammies and waiting to be fed. Unable to get up, my MIL asked what they wanted to eat for breakfast from the floor and both of them ran away and hid from her.

Well, you know that they say about fish and visitors... so, that's went I decided it was time to head out and was on the road an hour later. A whole half day earlier than I said I would... (smirk)

...and so it begins

The minute irritations with visiting the in-laws (without my husband) started well before we left...

On Monday, I called my mother-in-law to get direction to the new house and ask her to pick up a few things for my son at the grocery store. We chatted for a while and she seemed genuinely excited to see us this week.

Especially since it turns out that my sister-in-law (Crunchy Munchy) that's coming from L.A. and leaving the kids with my in-laws for a few days while she goes to a baby shower somewhere else in Oklahoma (geezz, that's a lot of s'plainin') got her travel dates WRONG. She is actually going to be gone Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and not just on Friday and Saturday as originally planned...

For my mother-in-law, who is still living out of boxes, it seems that EXTRA day was enough to drive her EXTRA nuts and she thanked profusely me for being there to help.

By Tuesday morning, I got a call from the other sister-in-law (Make-it-Easy Mom), who wanted to let me know that, off the phone, my mother-in-law is STILL harping about me infringing on her time with her L.A. grandchildren that she never, ever sees...whaw! This is in spite of countless "oh I'm so excited you're coming to visit"...

Umm... I think if you can afford to special order (then ship) your new front door directly from China for your newly-built, custom-designed home, you can afford a few rinky-dink plane tickets on coach to see your grandchildren...

You can also stop being two-faced and fake...

...and so it begins.

Indirect and Confused. What a charm!

Earlier this week, my mother-in-law called to announce that they had successfully moved into their new house... and to APOLOGIZE for being so "vague" when she talked with me earlier about coming to visit.

She admitted to my husband (not me) that she was "intentionally being confusing" and "selfish" about my sister-in-law and her kids' upcoming visit, but she still "really, really, really wants" us to visit...

Oh-kay....and because hanging out with my sister-in-law and her kids for a few days is sufficiently worth braving the in-laws sans hubby, my son and I are going.

Also, their trip (and therefore our trip) is not for another week and a half and not next week as my mother-in-law had originally told me. So not only is she a task, she is also befuddled. Excellent.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes, of course.

What to make of this?

Let me start this with: I do not dislike my in-laws; I don't understand them...

Seriously, what would you make of this conversation?

The back story is that my sister-in-law and her two kids are flying from Los Angeles to visit my in-laws in Oklahoma in a few weeks. When they're in town, my husband, son, and I usually make the three-hour trip to see them in Oklahoma. This time, because their stay will be so short, it's supposed to be just me and my son making the drive during the middle week.

Me: Hey, I wanted to talk to you about SIL's and the kids' trip in a few weeks. We'd talked about us driving up there, but I was wondering if that will still work.

MIL: Well, we're moving in a few days so it'll depend on when we can have everything ready... So we're moving Monday, going out of town the weekend after for that wedding.... We get back, then it's one more day before they arrive...

Me: Okay. Well, we certainly don't want to be in the way. You can let me know if it won't work out... I was looking at our calendar and we have some things going on during that time. I just...

MIL: Can we just talk about it later? Like when they're already here.

Me: That's in two weeks. I have to make arrangements depending on what days we'll be away.

MIL: Okay, well, they get in at 11 pm on Wednesday SIL has to go to ___ for a baby shower and will be gone Friday night and Saturday night and I'm really looking forward to having the kids all to myself since I hardly get to see them... Then, they leave Tuesday.

Me: Well, we can come in on Sunday... er, maybe Monday and leave Tuesday.

MIL: Oh I don't know how worn out I'll be then.... It's not that we don't want you to come visit. We WANT you to visit us. You know you are ALWAYS WELCOME. I know SIL would really LIKE to see you and we would certainly LOVE to have you... You'll have a place to sleep for sure, but we may not be ready. Why don't you just call me when they're here already...

Me: All right.

AHHHHHH! For crying out loud, just TELL me what you want, Lady.

I talked to my husband about it, but asked that he not "intervene" this time. Every time he does in these types of situations, it tends to result in a complete emotional breakdown on the MIL end and she and I have to have a heart-to-heart and promise to "start over". We've "started over" eight times since I got engaged to her son... and I've only been married for two and a half years! Besides, I'm not due for another heart-to-heart with her until the Holidays...

I really just don't get her sometimes.

Would you stay or would you go?

Happy Mother's Day

I may be a great mom, but this Mother's Day I was a lousy daughter/ daughter-in-law. We were supposed to go out of town to visit my in-laws and planned to take my mother-in-law to a lovely brunch for Mother's Day.

My in-laws are currently residing at an extended stay inn as they wait for their house to be completed.

Why are my well-to-do in-laws doing living out of a pay-by-week establishment like common car thieves or drug dealers when they could have just stayed at their old house for a few more weeks, you ask... Just know that it's a long story that gets more and more ridiculous as time goes on and causes me to sigh loudly and throw my hands up in the air... not my family. not my family. not my family.

The last thing they needed was more stuff and since apparently they have been living on hot dogs lately, we figured that a nice brunch would be an appreciated gesture. Still, I pressed my husband for more gift ideas-- a scarf, a book, anything...

The best he came up with was PISTACHIOS! Yes, nuts... because they are her favorite snack and therefore must also make a great gift (?) I think he's nuts. Well, he was dead set on getting her a bag of pistachios.

Hey, it's his mom, right? Now do you understand why I insist on buying my own gifts? He certainly means well, but isn't that just typical?

Well, at the last minute, my husband decided that there was "too much on his plate" and he didn't "really feel like going" this weekend and that was Mother's Day Gift enough for me.

It's not that I didn't want to see my in-laws. We weren't going to have much time with them anyway, since we planned to arrive just in time for our niece's first birthday party, would be staying at a hotel that night, then leaving right after lunch the next day. In fact, I'm a little bummed out to miss the party.

It's that most of our friends knew we were heading out of town for the weekend, so it's totally been a weekend for me, me, me -- no e-mails, no phone calls, no previous commitments... Just time to relax and sleep in with my little family.

Unfortunately, my husband neglected to send the card I had purchased for his mom weeks ago...

"I was planning to give it to her in person. She'll understand," he says.

Well, I felt like a COMPLETE ASS when in the mail yesterday afternoon arrived a card and a check from his mom to me. It was strictly for me to spend on myself; not baby clothes, not toys, not playtime music. She knows me well...

Unlike my in-laws, my family is pretty lax on gift giving. We send cards every once in a while, but no one really expects it or stands on ceremony. With the exception of Christmas, we tend to buy stuff for one another as it is needed/wanted, not just because Hallmark Congress declared today "Mother's Day"...

Since I wasn't planning on seeing my parents this weekend, I knew my mom would just let me know when she thought of something she'd like. Hey, no judging. That's just the way we are and it works.

So here I am, on Mother's Day neither having bought a gift nor sent a card to either mother, but am surprisingly well-rested. Instead of changing out of my pajamas and fighting the crowds for some over-priced brunch, I sent my husband and son to get bagels and coffee, which I plan to eat in bed.

Happy Mother's Day... to me.

Photo by evissa