South Beach Not Working For You? Try London

In cleaning out my "Drafts" folder this week, I found a TON of gems-- quippy one-liners, topic ideas, posts that I started... even ones that I completed, but then completely forgot to post.

Maybe I'm not such lousy blogger after all? Hmm...

Here's one that I wrote (and forgot about) over a month ago. Enjoy!

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For two years, I've struggled with losing the baby weight.

(Can you still call it that when my "baby" sasses like a pouty teenage girl?)

I've made resolutions to workout and eat right. I reacquainted myself with the gym and joined fitness boot camp, and still nothing really changed...

I was miserable and it showed in my half-ass wardrobe. Nothing ever fit right since I was convinced that this was all "only temporary".

Finally, I decided to love my big happy self and just BUY the larger size already-- shirts that buttoned, underpants that covered the expanse of my rear, and jeans that fit... comfortably... zipped and on my waist.

I even did one better. In our mad purging and packing to move to London, I donated seventeen huge lawn bags filled to capacity with old clothes.

The rest... because yes, there WAS more... was given away to a family friend who is about to graduate college and in need of "appropriate work attire". I felt good about myself!

Well, you know that saying about how giving away your baby stuff is a surefire way to get pregnant again?

No, I'm not pregnant again.

What I'm trying to say is that the same goes for your "skinny clothes"...

Who knew that the stress of moving overseas, followed by walking everywhere and carrying a toddler... and his stroller... and all of his stuff... up and down the steps to the Tube is THE BEST WORKOUT ever...

In spite of my addiction to buttery scones and access to delicious fresh baked breads, the inches have melted away effortlessly. Seriously. I have done nothing... Well, except give up my car.

Hmmm, maybe I should have done that years ago?

This is all great except that I'm back to my original predicament...

NOTHING IN MY CLOSET FITS ANYMORE!

I probably should be thrilled about the prospect of going shopping again. However, I should remind you that I live in the second most expensive city in the world. Upping my daily pastry intake would be less of a financial hit.

Oh, and I hate shopping. Wah!

Is it '08 or '80 again? I forget...

I know, I just did a post about a fashion (or rather, how completely out of touch I must be) but I saw something last week and just could NOT resist talking about it...

I was walking past H&M last week and spotted these in the window.


I mean, is this really what the kids are up too these days?

Can't Touch This...

Forgive my obvious ignorance...

Given that we don't have a TV and I just got online last week, my only connection to human civilization for quite some time was The London Paper that Hubby brought home to me every night.

Not to be mistaken for something on par with... say, the New York Times, The London Paper is handed out for FREE everyday at each Underground stop. (The fact that it's free says a lot...)

Mostly filled with gossip about British celebrities (not yet acquainted), fashion trends, and reviews about London nightlife, it's more like reading US Weekly except with more ad for escorts, hook ups, and "massages"...

So, anyway, I have to ask...

Are Harem pants (Hammer pants) really back in style???


I haven't actually seen anyone wearing them in real life, but I'm sure it won't be long....

They walk alike, they talk alike, sometimes they even think alike...

It breaks my heart to tear my son away from all of the little friends he's made...

While he probably won't remember any them in twenty year or even.... say, tomorrow, my parting "wish" for my son's playgroup was a one last photo of all of the boys together.

Besides, I thought it would be great to show him how he was more popular at the age of TWO than either of his geeky parents ever were... Ever.

However, getting this accomplished entails corralling eight boys- six two-year olds and two big brothers- and hopefully getting one decent photo out of it... Just one. I imagined having everyone over, piling the boys on my sofa (plying the moms with mimosas), and simply start snapping away with my digital camera.

Sure, it would be no where near "perfect", but I didn't want "perfect". I wanted to capture them "just as they are"- crazy and unruly, but sweet. All we had to do was wait just another week for one of the boys to come back from visiting his grandparents...

No problem, except somehow that one week turned into two, and my simple little plan evolved into taking the boys to a professional studio and dressing them in matching outfit.

I'm not typically a fan of staged photos, but since it was now going to take place in the middle of our move, I cheerfully set up an appointment at a local studio that I've used in the past and liked.

They didn't even balk when I told them the number of toddlers that would have to be posed, looking at the camera ,and smiling... at... the... same... time.

As "picture day" approached, my son got sick and I had to cancel the morning of. The other moms and kids got together anyway at a local park or somewhere, and unilaterally decided that we should get a photo of the moms, too (!!!)

Also, in matching outfits... (gag.)

Again, the studio didn't flinch when I called to reschedule and inform them about the "moms photo" that we would also like done. In fact, they were more than happy to accommodate us, although I'm sure there was plenty of eye-rolling and heavy sighing as soon as I hung up.

Well, at least there was on MY end of the call... Matching mommy outfits? Really?

The following week, we had to cancel our appointment again due to a death in one of the families... and some hemming and hawing over the jeans which we, the moms, were supposed to wear.

Apparently, one of the moms doesn't own any jeans... like, AT ALL... or maybe it was that she didn't find jeans to be flattering on her...

Well, whatever it was... Jeans are out, but everyone has black pants, right? And a white shirt?

Wow! My favorite combination... for a cater waiter.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Style All His Own

So, I thought one of the benefits of having a BOY (versus a girly girl) was getting to dress him any way I pleased well into college... Okay, maybe junior high. I mean, what does he care what he's wearing? He's BOY!

Well, apparently that was completely short-sighted and extremely sexist on my behalf, because at 22 months, he just started caring... A LOT.

Tossed aside were the stylish "BabyGap-inspired" button-down shirt layered over a graphic tee. He wouldn't even try on the trendy brown suede skater sneaks I found ON SALE at The Children's Place...

Nope. Nope. Nope.

He screamed, howled, and resisted until I reached into his closet to reveal the same ol' shirt and pants that he wears every three days. (Oh well, it least, it's not his Halloween costume...)

Now, I have TWO men in my life that refuse to be my paper doll. Well, Boo!

Another Season. Another Size. Going to Another Shop.

Sales Chick: How's everything working out for you?

Me in the dressing room: Fine. Wait, could you get me these pants in the next size up? (handing pants over the door)

Sales Chick: Uh... we don't make anything larger than this at THE LIMITED.

Me still in the dressing room: Oh.

Sales Chick: Maybe you could...

Me deciding to hide a bit longer: Just shut up RIGHT NOW.

Seize the Sale

I spent $200 at Kohl's yesterday, which was $200 more than I should have been spending anywhere... especially at a store that I'm not too fond of.

I get a flier from them touting an "additional 20% percent" or "everything in the store 1/2 off" about once a week, but am hesitant to go because it's always a zoo. A messy, dirty, disorganized zoo.

Remember that episode of Sex in the City when the girls were in L.A. and Samantha took Carrie all the way to the Valley to buy a fake Fendi bag. Then, Carrie just couldn't buy one, because none of the purses looked very special piled in boxes in the trunk of that beat-up car. Well, that's how I feel at Kohl's...

Nothing looks very special when you have to sift for it amongst the slinky see-through juniors duds and the 3X tops cramped together on the 75-80% off rack....

...or you have to look for it on the floor than hasn't seen a vacuum cleaner since the store opened...

FIVE years ago.

The one thing Kohl's has going for it is that it's CHEAP. Having to live on a tight budget, I'm not above wearing $5 off-brand T-shirts (in public, no less). It's just that much less painful when they get ruined with flying pasta sauce or greasy diaper cream. Replacing soiled shirts is precisely what I was doing at Kohl's on this day.

As luck would have it, I found what I was looking for right away and was ready to leave when I noticed how quietly and contently my son was playing with his dog, Blue. He was fed, diapered, and seated in his stroller... Now is the moment!

Shopping post-motherhood is much like feeding time on the Serengeti. You never know when you're next golden shopping opportunity will trot along, so you lunge, grab, and devour every last bit of it for as long as you can.

Opportunities to hunt your prey may be far between. Sometimes you have to wait an entire season before you can hunt again...

It takes a great deal of patience, but you get used to it, even if you're still wearing last year's catch. That's just life on the plains.

My son is usually all about "exerting his will" on our shopping trips- climbing out of the grocery cart, pulling things off shelves (putting them back in the wrong place), or trying to run out of the store. It seems that all the alone time in the sandbox earlier in the day wore him out and he was happy humming to himself in the stroller. I wasn't about to let this opportunity pass me by.

Immediately, my mind was racing with everything I needed to get...

"Hey, didn't our friends say that they're having a girl. Surely, there will be a baby shower for them. I'll need a gift. LOOK! baby clothes are on sale. I'll just get these two outfits..."

"I should get another pair of capri pants for my girls' trip next month..."

"Ooooh! A pretty pink tea set. That would be a great Christmas gift for either of my nieces. I should get it... Is there anyone having a birthday soon? I should stock up on more toys to give as gifts..."

"Wow! Boys' fall clothes are 50% OFF. FALL? But, it's still a 100-zillion degrees here. Oh well! I should probably stock up anyway. Four new fall outfits for my son, it is!"

"Oh! I need to get some new photo frames for the living room... Is that mirror on sale?"

... and that's how they get you.

photo by CarolineO

And I give sass for free

FOUND: This rockin' tee comes in blue. Soooo tempting, if only it wasn't also $20 + shipping...

...and yes, I consider that a lot to pay for something that my son will probably outgrow by next week.

I credit Self-Made Mom for pointing me in the direction of HonestBaby.com, maker of this as well as other clever tees for babies. It's motto? "Celebrating the imperfect journey of parenting." How can you not love that?

My other favs are "I'm not a performing monkey" and "I heard Einstein was a late talker".

Why I hoard

Clearly, it's not fair to poke fun at my husband's hoarding ways without turning a critical eye inward...

Into my closet that is... and this past weekend, that is precisely what I had on the agenda. Unfortunately, as with most of my best laid plans, other things kept coming up, but I was still able to purge a few items and somewhat sort the rest. I must say, it was harder than I thought to part with some of my old duds...

No wonder the folks on What Not to Wear get so upset/ homicidal/ emotional about someone casting off their beloved "don't's"...

My closet was comprised of the following:

• 20% = clothes I wear 80% of the time (basics like jeans, cotton, t's, etc.)
• 65% = ill-fitting career-wear (while my last job wasn't that buttoned up, the previous two required suits and lots of tailored shirts)
• 10% = special occasion dresses... most of which don't fit (bleck)
• 5% = embarrassingly slutty clubbing clothes*

On the chance I do go back to work someday, everything I own will be way out of style by then and probably even more ill-fitting. Despite this, I still could not part with my old work clothes and interview suits... Even if I miraculously lost about 40 lbs in my sleep, let's face it, my toddler and his little buddies aren't exactly a dry clean only sort of crowd.

Although someone else could probably use any one of these FIFTEEN black dress pants that are several sizes too small for me, I still couldn't let go... You know, maybe I can get back to the gym and get really skinny and wear them again.

I'll just put them in the back of the closet...

Please don't tell my husband. You see, my biggest accomplishment was making him get rid of most of HIS stuff, like his old clubbing clothes, ill-fitting pants, and this lovely number from his college days in the early nineties...


Yeah.... I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

A few weeks ago, my parents dropped by while our neighborhood was holding its spring garage sale. There are two per year (the other in the fall) and I have yet to participate in any of them. I don't particularly like getting up at dawn on Saturday mornings nor spending more time in my hot, dusty garage than absolutely necessary, which is apparently part of the deal...

I prefer to donate rather than peddle my used wares to passersby and strangers. Especially since there are several worthy charities offering to come to my house on a regular basis to haul off my stuff with little to no effort on my part.

I also don't feel comfortable sifting through my neighbors' belongings. Mostly, because I know I'll be forced to judge them...

My parents on the other hand, LOVED the idea and even purchased a set of file cabinets from our next-door neighbors. (Yep, the ones that I don't think like us very much.) Since then, my mom has been on a garage sale frenzy...

You see, my parents live in a snooty gated community where ANYthing remotely common like doing your own yard work (which my dad does) is severely looked down upon. They are especially anti-garage sale...

Mom has already asked my permission to use our garage/driveway when the next neighborhood-wide sale comes around.

Sure, why not as long as I'm not expected to tend it... (I'll probably be expected to tend it.)

When I told her I had a huge pile of old clothes to go to the next worthy charity that rang my bell, she told me, "No, you should save it for the garage sale." Apparently, she's already getting her stuff ready... sorted, tagged, and priced to sell, sell, sell.

Although, she did express some concerns that my neighborhood may not attract the proper clientele for her obviously fabulous hand-me-downs...

You see, my mom has the same problem I do. She really doesn't want to part with her stuff, just in case...

Just in case I lose that 20 lbs...

Just in case that ruffled silk peasant shirt come back in style... again

Just in case I do get invited to the White House. This dress would be an excellent choice for a State Dinner....

Just in case I just plain miss it one day...

* P.S. If you ever want to see me in those embarrassingly slutty outfits, you'll have to rent a time machine because Goodwill got hold of them two days ago... As my civic duty, I really never will wear those again.

Now, we're ready for summer

Swimsuit season is fast approaching and especially for those of us living in Texas, it's coming soon that you think...

My friend's community pool and water park is opening in two weeks and I desperately needed something to wear...

I didn't buy a swimsuit at last year's sales because I was determined that the post-pregnancy weight gain was temporary and this time next (this) year, I would be back in my old swimsuit that used to make my husband's head spin.

HA! Not even close, sister.

Rather than deal with the inevitable emotional roller coaster brought on by the glare of department store florescent lights on my flab and stretch marks as I reject one swimsuit after another, I did what any respectable woman would do...

I took my measurements and bought swimsuit off the Internet... Ta-da!

On LandsEnd.com, to be exact.

Sure, that may be where your grandma buys her swimwear, but who are we kidding...

It requires a considerable amount of fabric to cover this considerable behind and no over-priced, skimpy J.Crew swimsuit, with its string for "support" tops and Kleenex-sized bottoms, will do.

Oh, there were grandma suits to be had for sure, but I picked out two tankinis- fun, yet modest enough to chase after my son without a boob or stomach flab falling out. One was even on sale- whew-hew!

I was pleasantly surprise when the package arrive this afternoon. The one on sale was a bit tight getting on, but fit just fine and the other was puuuuur-fect.

The bottom is still on back order, but the top looks awesome. It's fitted at the bust and flares out a bit on the sides, gracefully skimming the pudge in a non-obvious, slimming way.

It's just like something I would wear on a night out. Maybe I just will.... hmm.

Here's a photo of it....

...from the Lands End website. Like I would really post a photo of me in a swimsuit online. HA!

Update from Lands End:

Dear GHD,

I’m writing on behalf of Lands’ End online and was wondering if you’d be interested in working with us to help your readers find the perfect swimsuit. I recently came across your “Now, we’re ready for summer” post. I’m so glad that you were able to find two swimsuits that you liked and that fit so great. From my own experience, I definitely know that this is not always so easy.

At Lands’ End, we understand the anxiety that comes with shopping for a swimsuit. Our research indicates that 78 percent of women confess to feeling anxious and self-conscious in how they look in their swimsuit, while nearly 82 percent of women stated they feel as though others “judge” them when in a swimsuit. To help, Lands’ End has created the following products and tools for women to find the most comfortable and stylish suit for their specific body type:

Lands’ End Swim Finder: With hundreds of swimsuits available online, the Swim Finder narrows down the search through distinct personalized criteria: Suit Style, Bra Style, Anxiety Zones, Body Shape, Suit Color, Fit and Collections. Based on the input, Swim Finder then selects the best swimsuits to fit, flatter and offer up beachside confidence.

Suit Variety and Choice: From Slenderizing suits to a full range of swimsuit sizes, including regular, petite, long torso (sizes 6-18) and plus (sizes 16W-26W), Lands’ End has a suit for every woman.

Custom Suits: Lands’ End offers women the perfect way to ensure they feel confident on the beach or poolside with Custom Swimsuits. Tailor-made to fit each woman’s one-of-a-kind body, the custom made suit can be created in three easy steps by visiting www.landsend.com/customsuit.

Personal Shopping Assistants: Shopping assistants are not just for celebrities. Lands’ End offers a variety of expert shopping services, free of charge. Professional Swim Fit Experts, each with more than 500 hours of training, take calls 24 hours a day, offering swimwear fit tips, advice and suggestions.

To help you and your readers gear up for swim season, I’d like to invite you and your readers to submit questions to Michele Casper, Swim Fit expert and former stylist for Lands’ End, about finding the right swimsuit. Michele will provide expert advice and tips to combat swimsuit anxiety and help your readers feel more confident this summer.

I’d love to work with you on this, so please let me know if this sounds interesting. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to get in touch anytime.

Warm regards,

Marjie Trautt

marjie.trautt@fleishman.com

Fleishman-Hillard

You heard her ladies, they want your questions. Feel free to post your swimsuit questions here!

Confident and Empowered

I had no sooner clicked "Publish" on my recent post about my mommy style (or lack thereof) when I plopped on the sofa, turned on the TV, and saw a new commercial for Suave, a company whose recent tag line is: "say yes to beautiful without paying the price"...

You may have seen it too. It shows a woman going through the stages of her life all the way to motherhood. As the years past pregnancy go by, you see her looking more and more degenerate... but not too much. This is a commercial trying to sell you stuff, after all, and we all know ugly doesn't move hair products.

Following this montage, in big, red, bold letters, the ad copy reads: "89% of moms admit to letting themselves go". Humph!

But, no worries... they have shampoo and conditioner to help you get "yourself back". Unless this magic potion of theirs can do something about the stretch marks and about losing 40 pounds, I'm not buying it.

In searching for a video clip to post, I happened upon something more intriguing on the company website-- a link to the Hot Mom's Club.

It's a WHOLE website dedicated to "bringing mothers together who refuse to fall into the stereotype of the typical American 'mom' category"... and all things a hot mom would be interested in.

In light of the recent blows working moms and SAHMs have taken the last few weeks... months... lifetime, it was nice to see something that was all about the "yea! mom! You go, Girls".

We mommies- at home or at work- need that kind of encouragement sometimes. Don't you agree?

Mirror, Mirror...

At lunch with my former co-workers, one of them asked me if I was one of those mommies that "gets manicures during the day".

I just laughed, but couldn't quite find the words to say, "WTF, do you think I LOOK pampered?"

As I sat there with a jacket hiding food stains from my son, nails to the nub, smeared make up, and puffy sleep-derived eyes, the answer was a resounding "NO!". (But, I'm certainly flattered that she thought so...)

Manicure, my ass. I'm lucky to get my hair brushed...

...which, by the way, didn't happen on that particular day as shortly before heading out, I broke my SECOND salon-grade round hairbrush in a month. I'm not proud of it, I'm just saying.

As a new mom, I constantly waffle between caring a great deal and not so much about the way I look.

I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the complacency that seems to come with motherhood. Let's face it. It's hard to focus on yourself when you're so focused on the well-being of a small, helpless creature that depends on you, and you alone, for its care and safety.

Of course, I still make the effort to dress up for Mass once a week, parties, lunches with friends, or a grown-up night out. I'm just fearful that as these event become more and more hectic with more and more children, I'll give up entirely.

For instance, there is a mom that I see at church every week in the same black, velour tracksuit. At least, I think it's the same black, velour tracksuit. For all I know, she could several velour tracksuits... one for everyday of the week even, but we're not good enough friends for me to know that for sure.

In many ways, I am already like this woman. My day-to-day wardrobe consists of t-shirts and capri pants or jeans, hair pulled back in a pony tail, and absolutely no make-up. My only accessory is my wedding band and maybe a watch. Since my son likes to pull on my earrings, bracelets, and necklaces, they're not an option most days.

In my defense, the minimal amount of time it takes me to put that together is all that is afforded to me by my very clever and precocious son. You see, getting ready every day also includes keeping my son out of the toilet paper, away from my shoes, and out of my make-up. Yesterday, he broke through the baby-proofing and dumped about 200 hair pins out of their closed container and onto the floor. The time before, he pulled the cord of my hairdryer and it shattered upon hitting the floor...

Let's just say it's hard to keep one eye on mirror and both hands on him....

Fulled with self-righteousness, I justify this look with "well, I'm a mom" and obviously I have more important things to do than preen in front of the mirror or match colorful shoes with pretty dresses. After all, I'm doing the greatest job a woman can do. I am a mother and I have a child to take care of...

...and then I see some hipster mom at a restaurant or in the park with two, three, or more kids and looking so put together. Motherhood didn't change her sense of style one bit!

Like that mom I saw with her two little girls at the mall yesterday. Both were dressed to the nines in their Easter dresses; no doubt just having posed with the Easter Bunny. The mom was wearing a t-shirt and jeans just like me, but she also had on a trendy belt, matchy-matchy wedges, and some long strands of pearls around her neck. Her hair was done up and her face was flawless. I swear, she could have jumped right out of an episode of America's Next Top Model to take her kids to the mall only to go back and win.

Sure, there's nothing wrong with the way that I dress to take care of my son, but I know I could do better...

When I told my husband about my co-worker, he suggested that next time I see her I shove some diaper cream under my nails to get that "french manicure" look.

I'm not sure what impressed me more... the fact that it seems like a really clever idea or that my husband knows what a french manicure is...

photo by The Rocketeer

Waistbands head north

It was recently brought to my attention that perhaps my "mom jeans" rant was out of line as high-waisted pants and denim actually hit the runways in droves at last month's New York Fashion Week...

No, seriously here is the photo evidence.

I'm not surprised that I'm that last to know either. I don't really pay much attention to haute couture. In addition to my utter inability to pull off the very latest trends, I'm also cheap. No way would I ever blow $500 on shoes, a handbag, or a blouse...

I just wait for fashion to trickle down to my accessible, low-cost local mega-retailer and get my "style on" there. I love to find a bargain and refuse to pay full price unless I really, really, really have to.

As for this particular trend.... Personally, I can do without the mile-high upper thigh, but all you fashion forward folk go right ahead.

Mom Jeans, I declare a war on you

I am the youngest mom in playgroup by about a decade, and my new book club is no different.

I attended my first meeting of the mommy book club yesterday evening... After a day of rough housing and changing diapers, I came dressed casual, but cute. I put on make-up and kitten heels, brushed my hair, and dabbed some perfume.

As for the other mommies... let's just say, I spied some "mom jeans" in action.

While I am okay with being the "young one" in the group, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with being the "young, hot mom" in the group. That just sounds like an aweful lot of pressure...

While no one actually commented on my outfit, I'm sure it just seemed like I was trying too hard... Oh well. I simply refuse to let motherhood cramp my style-- whatever that may be.

Of course, I've run out of the house wearing sweats and beat up sneakers more often than I'm willing to admit. There have even been the days when I totally meant to stop by the gym on the way home, but ended up running a bunch of errands looking like crap. Inevitability, those are the days I run into someone that I wish I hadn't. Eek!

Some days, I just enjoy dressing up and looking lovely again. I remember when I used to have all the time in the world to shop for clothes, shoes, and make-up... I would actually practice new hairstyles from magazines, instead of winging it at the last minute. I even used to starch and iron my clothes... These days my ironing board and iron are simply remnants of a bygone era.

Be prepared to gag as I reveal this to you... but I actually invested in matching underwear and by "matching" I mean to my outfits in addition to each other.

While I was pregnant, I asked my husband to make room for my maternity clothes by moving some of my old pant, skirts and fitted blouses from the "Size 4" days to the third bar of our closet. This was supposed to be a "temporary move" until my inner skinny girl emerged once more.

My son will be a year old in a month and they are STILL on that third bar-- collecting dust. I look up there occasionally and guesstimate that there is at least $1,000 in purchases and alterations hanging up there... IN BLACK PANTS alone.

Oh, cute pants and blouses how I miss you!!!

When I went back to work, I bought enough new (fat) clothes so that my co-workers didn't mistake me for a disheveled, homeless person. Again, when I started staying home, I invested in some more cotton shirts... but NO MORE!

I refuse to buy one more stitch of clothing until I can wear my old duds again. Although my personal trainer(s) claim that I can do it, I don't know...

I wonder if that's the reason why some women end up wearing their "mom jeans" forever. Double-Eek!